Breaking Up Isn’t Hard to Do

20 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Getting Dumped Tags: , , ,

Recently, someone I’d only gotten as far as talking on the phone with (partly because he was too far away) wanted to know why I “broke up” with him which made me wonder if it is possible to break up when you haven’t ever seen each other. Don’t you have to be dating to break up? And don’t you have to go out to be dating?

That’s when it occurred to me that online dating has some different methods of relationship dissolution that the old in-person model didn’t have. And by relationship I mean everything from a casual exchange via email to…well everything else.

1. The noncommittal email response…so that you aren’t sure if he was making a bad attempt at continuing/starting a conversation or if he was saying “no thanks”

Here’s an example of an exchange (which also illustrates why I rarely initiate conversations: when a guy is actually interested, he usually makes the first move.)

Me: Hi there. I liked your profile…particularly your snarky answers:-)

Snarky Guy: Well thank you. I enjoy treading the line of snarky and acceptability haha

Of course I noticed he did not say he also liked my profile. But maybe he just didn’t know what to say? I decided, having nothing to lose, to attempt to clarify.

Ha, well, you managed to do that. You also managed to respond in such a way that it is difficult to tell if you are starting or ending a conversation…

He responded by…not responding. Which brings me to…

2. Messages suddenly stop. Could be after a brief exchange, or emailing back and forth quite a bit, or even, once he’s asked you out and you’ve set up a date and he “had to reschedule”. Or it could happen after the first date and a few messages and you’re not sure if it’s because you’ve given him your google voice number which just doesn’t always work or you hinted or admitted to him you might want to be “just friends.”

Or you’ve been messaging pretty regularly, you’ve had more than three dates, and at some point it seems to have ended though you cannot figure out when. He’s even come over your house for dinner and seemed to be wanting to settle into a relationship . You weren’t not sure if that’s what you want so maybe you made that clear somehow. Perhaps you indicated you were still seeing other people. Or it was that moment when his spending the night came up and you sent him home instead. And now you rarely hear from him. You can tell you are no longer seeing each other, but you can’t put your finger on when or how exactly that happened. You also can’t figure out if you’re the one who dumped him or vice versa.

Awkward

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

What is the proper dating etiquette, if while making out with your date, you discover he has one or more deal breakers going against him? And does it matter if he’s cute or not? How about if he seems to have been afraid to tell you he listens to Rush Limbaugh instead of NPR because he fears you might dump him?

Sincerely,

Awkward Position

Dear Awkward,

First of all, I am curious how in the world Rush Limbaugh or NPR came up while you were making out. Well, in any case, in the future you might want to investigate your date’s political leanings, if that’s so important to you, over, say, dinner. Maybe at the bar afterward. Perhaps you don’t need that second drink, either, when you know perfectly well what drink number two is going to lead to–ignoring all the signs that this is the wrong guy and making out with him anyway.

But back to your question. You can employ the tried and true, “Oh, my. Look how late it is and I have to get up early tomorrow to go skiing!” Then, when he calls again, you can say you’ve thought about it and realize you are not a good match. Rather than tentatively committing to date number three because you are remembering how cute and sweet he is and you can’t bear to say no just yet.

Best of luck out there,

OkMatch

Hell Bent

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, No thanks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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i guess your hell bent on finding a relationship and are too scared to be ith someone who thinks your beautiful but might not want to have a relationship with you

This was from a guy whom I already told I didn’t think we were a good match. It kind of speaks for itself, I know, but I can’t resist taking this one apart.

I’ll set aside the fact that I just can’t date anyone who doesn’t know how to use an apostrophe as a given and move on.

“Hell bent”…swoon! He sure knows how to sweep a lady right off her feet!

Perhaps somebody in his life told him that if you want to turn that rejection around, try going on the offensive. If she turns you down, call her out for being “stubbornly and recklessly determined” (hell bent, according to Miriam Webster).  Trying to follow his logic here…I am foolishly desiring a relationship…that makes the choice to be with someone who doesn’t want a relationship, prudent?

Not to sound too vain, but he seems to be suggesting that “someone who thinks your beautiful” makes him uniquely qualified to go out with me. If I were going to respond to his message, maybe I would point out that a) the fact that he is only interested based on liking my photo is not really that flattering and b) pretty much every man who contacts me on a dating site is at least somewhat attracted by my photo. I don’t get a whole lot of come-ons that begin, “I think you’re kind of homely but I thought I’d try to have sex with you anyway.”

Strange Bedfellows

18 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, No thanks, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

I don’t know if I’m being too picky, or not picky enough. Here is my current list of deal breakers:

  • Listens to Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News
  • Thinks skiing is too cold (or hiking too buggy or camping too uncomfortable)
  • Considers hanging out next to a pool an exciting vacation
  • His idea of outdoor sports  consists of hunting and snowmobiling
  • Online dating is his hobby
  • Smokes
  • Works minimum wage job
  • High school education
  • Doesn’t read books or only reads Ayn Rand
  • Eats a lot of junk food or mostly meat and potatoes
  • Is overweight, under 5’6″  or otherwise physically unattractive

Sincerely,

Up Late Talking to Unsuitable Men

Dear Up Late,

It’s good to know what you want, but don’t you think you’re being a bit too critical? You couldn’t fall for a guy who likes to snowmobile? And, if you have so many deal breakers, why are you still going on so many dates with unsuitable men? Perhaps you should whittle this down to five deal breakers and stick to them.

Best of Luck,

OkMatch

Body Style

04 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , , , ,

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If this is what you think “fit”, “toned” or “athletic” (depending on the dating site’s terminology), looks like, you might need to readjust your expectations for online dating. Based on photos and meetings in person, here is my guide to interpreting the most common choices for “body type” or “body style”:

fit, toned, or athletic: I’ve got muscles…somewhere under here! I mean, I used to be in shape, but face it, ladies, I’m way better than average so I can’t put that. Yeah, I’m fit…maybe with a little beer gut.

about average: So, I’ve put on some pounds, but no more than the ordinary American male, right? And when I wear my shirt untucked I’m looking pretty hot, anyway.

a few extra pounds, a little extra: The doctor says I have to lose weight or I’ll probably die early. But you only live once!

What’s weird to me is that a guy will write choose “fit” and then post photos of his not-so-fit bare torso. Do some guys have body dysmorphic disorder in reverse? They look at their flabby bodies and think, “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy, it hurts…” Sing it, Right Said Fred!

Some Dating Site Photo Deal Breakers

01 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, No thanks Tags: , ,

  • Cigarette dangling from mouth
  • Posing with cheap beer
  • Sliver of woman cut out of photograph revealing that original shot was happy time with significant other
  • Wearing a reflector vest for no apparent reason
  • Ill-fitting taupe suit
  • Only part of face visible and camera angle highlights nostrils
  • Embracing dog in a way that is strangely suggestive and doesn’t look entirely consensual. This is more common than you’d think.

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