I See You Looking

08 Jul 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating, Dating Etiquette, Matches, Online Dating Advice

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Checking out profiles on OkCupid? They know you’re there! The fact that men could see when I’d visited their profiles never seemed worrisome enough to warrant and upgrade (paid subscription) to view them anonymously.  Then this happened:

I received a message beginning  “Good morning miss.. ”  and checked out the profile to see if it was as uninteresting as the message itself. (Note double ellipses. Note the fact that he calls me “miss”. Who says that?)

My quick check of his profile revealed:

  1. Unattractive and overweight
  2. Lives far away
  3. Older than my age range
  4. He doesn’t say anything interesting about himself

I went on with my day, not giving the message or profile another thought until he sent a second message: “no reply? Are you not interested?” I wasn’t sure if he meant to convey shock (shock!) that I might not be swooning over his profile or if he was chiding me for not giving him the courtesy of a response. Most people seem to take a hint–if I don’t respond, they understand I am not interested and move on. I get a lot of messages and don’t feel like I have to spend all my time responding to every one of them. Especially if it’s just a couple sentences and someone who seems blatantly not a match and could figure that out on his own if he’d bothered to read my profile rather than just look at my photos.

But maybe this is a discourteous attitude. I either had to politely decline or block him. Showing good manners I wrote:

“Thanks for writing but I feel we’re not a good match. I wish you the best of luck out there.”

That, I figured, was the end of it. Of course, getting out of that page on the web app version, I accidentally clicked on his profile, eliciting a new message, which I believe he wrote before he got my “no thank you” message.

“I see you are looking why dont you just reply ? wink” 

Let’s put aside the lack of apostrophe and run on sentence and move right on to the tone. I see you looking is kind of creepy by itself. Why don’t you just reply is rather aggressive. And then the wink, maybe meant to lighten the tone but only actually serves to further creep me out. I guess it is now time to hit the “block” button.

Knows How to Treat a Lady and Other Stupid Profile Lines

12 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Matches, No thanks, Online Dating Advice, Worst Opening Lines

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I know how to treat a lady

What are men on dating sites thinking when they brag about this particular proficiency? Maybe they mean to say, I am chivalrous; I will open doors and pull out chairs for you. Which is fine, I guess, if you are into that kind of thing. For my part, I find it cute on a first date and tiresome afterward.

Or perhaps they mean to distinguish themselves from the the sit-on-the-couch-and-shout-for-a-beer type It’s one of those distinctions which suggests pretty low standards.

No one boasts he knows how to treat a woman by the way. Gentlemen: have you ever heard a female refer to herself as a “lady”? The word suggests a bygone era and a certain kind of proper behavior: polite, quiet, passive. Good luck finding her.

We women also tend to believe that we are individuals, not a class of people who all wanted to be “treated” the same way. Isn’t there an artificiality in “treating” a person rather than, I don’t know, interacting with her? Like playing a role. Why not, say, be a good listener, instead?

From the Who-Me-Bitter Department

The bar scene is getting pretty old

I totally get you, Mr. No More Bar Scene. You’ve been hanging out at bars, trying to pick up hotties and have finally given up. I am honored.

No drama please

Good thing you said so. I was going to try to create drama, but now I won’t bother you with any uncomfortable emotions.

Tired of games

Oh, you poor wounded man! Your last girlfriend hurt you! I’ll do my darndest to protect your fragile ego.

Here I am again

Your lack of success on the online dating scene is like a pheromone pouring out of my screen.

Breaking Up Isn’t Hard to Do

20 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Getting Dumped Tags: , , ,

Recently, someone I’d only gotten as far as talking on the phone with (partly because he was too far away) wanted to know why I “broke up” with him which made me wonder if it is possible to break up when you haven’t ever seen each other. Don’t you have to be dating to break up? And don’t you have to go out to be dating?

That’s when it occurred to me that online dating has some different methods of relationship dissolution that the old in-person model didn’t have. And by relationship I mean everything from a casual exchange via email to…well everything else.

1. The noncommittal email response…so that you aren’t sure if he was making a bad attempt at continuing/starting a conversation or if he was saying “no thanks”

Here’s an example of an exchange (which also illustrates why I rarely initiate conversations: when a guy is actually interested, he usually makes the first move.)

Me: Hi there. I liked your profile…particularly your snarky answers:-)

Snarky Guy: Well thank you. I enjoy treading the line of snarky and acceptability haha

Of course I noticed he did not say he also liked my profile. But maybe he just didn’t know what to say? I decided, having nothing to lose, to attempt to clarify.

Ha, well, you managed to do that. You also managed to respond in such a way that it is difficult to tell if you are starting or ending a conversation…

He responded by…not responding. Which brings me to…

2. Messages suddenly stop. Could be after a brief exchange, or emailing back and forth quite a bit, or even, once he’s asked you out and you’ve set up a date and he “had to reschedule”. Or it could happen after the first date and a few messages and you’re not sure if it’s because you’ve given him your google voice number which just doesn’t always work or you hinted or admitted to him you might want to be “just friends.”

Or you’ve been messaging pretty regularly, you’ve had more than three dates, and at some point it seems to have ended though you cannot figure out when. He’s even come over your house for dinner and seemed to be wanting to settle into a relationship . You weren’t not sure if that’s what you want so maybe you made that clear somehow. Perhaps you indicated you were still seeing other people. Or it was that moment when his spending the night came up and you sent him home instead. And now you rarely hear from him. You can tell you are no longer seeing each other, but you can’t put your finger on when or how exactly that happened. You also can’t figure out if you’re the one who dumped him or vice versa.

Awkward

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

What is the proper dating etiquette, if while making out with your date, you discover he has one or more deal breakers going against him? And does it matter if he’s cute or not? How about if he seems to have been afraid to tell you he listens to Rush Limbaugh instead of NPR because he fears you might dump him?

Sincerely,

Awkward Position

Dear Awkward,

First of all, I am curious how in the world Rush Limbaugh or NPR came up while you were making out. Well, in any case, in the future you might want to investigate your date’s political leanings, if that’s so important to you, over, say, dinner. Maybe at the bar afterward. Perhaps you don’t need that second drink, either, when you know perfectly well what drink number two is going to lead to–ignoring all the signs that this is the wrong guy and making out with him anyway.

But back to your question. You can employ the tried and true, “Oh, my. Look how late it is and I have to get up early tomorrow to go skiing!” Then, when he calls again, you can say you’ve thought about it and realize you are not a good match. Rather than tentatively committing to date number three because you are remembering how cute and sweet he is and you can’t bear to say no just yet.

Best of luck out there,

OkMatch

Hell Bent

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, No thanks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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i guess your hell bent on finding a relationship and are too scared to be ith someone who thinks your beautiful but might not want to have a relationship with you

This was from a guy whom I already told I didn’t think we were a good match. It kind of speaks for itself, I know, but I can’t resist taking this one apart.

I’ll set aside the fact that I just can’t date anyone who doesn’t know how to use an apostrophe as a given and move on.

“Hell bent”…swoon! He sure knows how to sweep a lady right off her feet!

Perhaps somebody in his life told him that if you want to turn that rejection around, try going on the offensive. If she turns you down, call her out for being “stubbornly and recklessly determined” (hell bent, according to Miriam Webster).  Trying to follow his logic here…I am foolishly desiring a relationship…that makes the choice to be with someone who doesn’t want a relationship, prudent?

Not to sound too vain, but he seems to be suggesting that “someone who thinks your beautiful” makes him uniquely qualified to go out with me. If I were going to respond to his message, maybe I would point out that a) the fact that he is only interested based on liking my photo is not really that flattering and b) pretty much every man who contacts me on a dating site is at least somewhat attracted by my photo. I don’t get a whole lot of come-ons that begin, “I think you’re kind of homely but I thought I’d try to have sex with you anyway.”