Knows How to Treat a Lady and Other Stupid Profile Lines

12 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Matches, No thanks, Online Dating Advice, Worst Opening Lines

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I know how to treat a lady

What are men on dating sites thinking when they brag about this particular proficiency? Maybe they mean to say, I am chivalrous; I will open doors and pull out chairs for you. Which is fine, I guess, if you are into that kind of thing. For my part, I find it cute on a first date and tiresome afterward.

Or perhaps they mean to distinguish themselves from the the sit-on-the-couch-and-shout-for-a-beer type It’s one of those distinctions which suggests pretty low standards.

No one boasts he knows how to treat a woman by the way. Gentlemen: have you ever heard a female refer to herself as a “lady”? The word suggests a bygone era and a certain kind of proper behavior: polite, quiet, passive. Good luck finding her.

We women also tend to believe that we are individuals, not a class of people who all wanted to be “treated” the same way. Isn’t there an artificiality in “treating” a person rather than, I don’t know, interacting with her? Like playing a role. Why not, say, be a good listener, instead?

From the Who-Me-Bitter Department

The bar scene is getting pretty old

I totally get you, Mr. No More Bar Scene. You’ve been hanging out at bars, trying to pick up hotties and have finally given up. I am honored.

No drama please

Good thing you said so. I was going to try to create drama, but now I won’t bother you with any uncomfortable emotions.

Tired of games

Oh, you poor wounded man! Your last girlfriend hurt you! I’ll do my darndest to protect your fragile ego.

Here I am again

Your lack of success on the online dating scene is like a pheromone pouring out of my screen.

Ulterior Motives

05 Jan 2013 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , , , ,

The first time he mentioned the program I said, mostly joking, “That sounds like a cult.” I think it was the name of the method or the idea that a five day course could have cured him of his work stress that made me suspicious. Or it could have been his oddly calm demeanor and long-lashed blue eyes.

He laughed and said that if I looked it up online a lot of people call it a cult, but it’s not.

For the most part, it was a pretty normal conversation for a first date, though slightly boring and no chemistry, despite his good looks and the fact that on paper he seemed like a good match. I wondered if I should give him longer to become interesting. Then he mentioned his libertarian leanings. Oh, well, I thought. Not a match, after all.

Not having anywhere else to be tonight, I made the argument that it is both compassionate and fiscally responsible to take care of the members of society who cannot take care of themselves. His response: He hasn’t thought about it enough to come up with any solutions. This from a guy with a graduate degree in Engineering? He also feels like people should be pushed to reach their highest potential and if we give them handouts, they won’t even realize what they could succeed in doing. At the time, I thought this was just the typical Libertarian dogma.

The program he found so helpful came up at least two more times in our hour-long date. Then he had to leave early to take a phone call–from a member of the program. As we stood to leave, he invited me to an introductory program in two weeks.

Of course I looked up the group online when I got home. The first Google result was an article in a regional paper comparing the charismatic leader of the group to David Koresh. The lengthy piece detailed various lawsuits against the businessman who attracts a large following, some of whom were pressured to satisfy his sexual needs and feared leaving the cult. Yes, all the bad cult stuff you read about it. That’s the program this guy tried to get me to join.

So that was my Friday night: date with a guy who tried to recruit me into a cult. Makes me nostalgic for dates who just want to get into my pants.

Awkward

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

What is the proper dating etiquette, if while making out with your date, you discover he has one or more deal breakers going against him? And does it matter if he’s cute or not? How about if he seems to have been afraid to tell you he listens to Rush Limbaugh instead of NPR because he fears you might dump him?

Sincerely,

Awkward Position

Dear Awkward,

First of all, I am curious how in the world Rush Limbaugh or NPR came up while you were making out. Well, in any case, in the future you might want to investigate your date’s political leanings, if that’s so important to you, over, say, dinner. Maybe at the bar afterward. Perhaps you don’t need that second drink, either, when you know perfectly well what drink number two is going to lead to–ignoring all the signs that this is the wrong guy and making out with him anyway.

But back to your question. You can employ the tried and true, “Oh, my. Look how late it is and I have to get up early tomorrow to go skiing!” Then, when he calls again, you can say you’ve thought about it and realize you are not a good match. Rather than tentatively committing to date number three because you are remembering how cute and sweet he is and you can’t bear to say no just yet.

Best of luck out there,

OkMatch

Strange Bedfellows

18 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, No thanks, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

I don’t know if I’m being too picky, or not picky enough. Here is my current list of deal breakers:

  • Listens to Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News
  • Thinks skiing is too cold (or hiking too buggy or camping too uncomfortable)
  • Considers hanging out next to a pool an exciting vacation
  • His idea of outdoor sports  consists of hunting and snowmobiling
  • Online dating is his hobby
  • Smokes
  • Works minimum wage job
  • High school education
  • Doesn’t read books or only reads Ayn Rand
  • Eats a lot of junk food or mostly meat and potatoes
  • Is overweight, under 5’6″  or otherwise physically unattractive

Sincerely,

Up Late Talking to Unsuitable Men

Dear Up Late,

It’s good to know what you want, but don’t you think you’re being a bit too critical? You couldn’t fall for a guy who likes to snowmobile? And, if you have so many deal breakers, why are you still going on so many dates with unsuitable men? Perhaps you should whittle this down to five deal breakers and stick to them.

Best of Luck,

OkMatch

Some Dating Site Photo Deal Breakers

01 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, No thanks Tags: , ,

  • Cigarette dangling from mouth
  • Posing with cheap beer
  • Sliver of woman cut out of photograph revealing that original shot was happy time with significant other
  • Wearing a reflector vest for no apparent reason
  • Ill-fitting taupe suit
  • Only part of face visible and camera angle highlights nostrils
  • Embracing dog in a way that is strangely suggestive and doesn’t look entirely consensual. This is more common than you’d think.

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