I See You Looking

08 Jul 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating, Dating Etiquette, Matches, Online Dating Advice

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Checking out profiles on OkCupid? They know you’re there! The fact that men could see when I’d visited their profiles never seemed worrisome enough to warrant and upgrade (paid subscription) to view them anonymously.  Then this happened:

I received a message beginning  “Good morning miss.. ”  and checked out the profile to see if it was as uninteresting as the message itself. (Note double ellipses. Note the fact that he calls me “miss”. Who says that?)

My quick check of his profile revealed:

  1. Unattractive and overweight
  2. Lives far away
  3. Older than my age range
  4. He doesn’t say anything interesting about himself

I went on with my day, not giving the message or profile another thought until he sent a second message: “no reply? Are you not interested?” I wasn’t sure if he meant to convey shock (shock!) that I might not be swooning over his profile or if he was chiding me for not giving him the courtesy of a response. Most people seem to take a hint–if I don’t respond, they understand I am not interested and move on. I get a lot of messages and don’t feel like I have to spend all my time responding to every one of them. Especially if it’s just a couple sentences and someone who seems blatantly not a match and could figure that out on his own if he’d bothered to read my profile rather than just look at my photos.

But maybe this is a discourteous attitude. I either had to politely decline or block him. Showing good manners I wrote:

“Thanks for writing but I feel we’re not a good match. I wish you the best of luck out there.”

That, I figured, was the end of it. Of course, getting out of that page on the web app version, I accidentally clicked on his profile, eliciting a new message, which I believe he wrote before he got my “no thank you” message.

“I see you are looking why dont you just reply ? wink” 

Let’s put aside the lack of apostrophe and run on sentence and move right on to the tone. I see you looking is kind of creepy by itself. Why don’t you just reply is rather aggressive. And then the wink, maybe meant to lighten the tone but only actually serves to further creep me out. I guess it is now time to hit the “block” button.

Dating Myself

02 Mar 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: ,

New vow to myself (no dating for March), new self-help book.

I started reading Madly in Love with Myself: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend. I like Christine Arylo’s idea, that we should give ourselves unconditional love. I’m sure her approach and writing style must appeal to some women, but it bothered me so much I had to ask myself why I was “resisting” the book so fiercely. Was my reaction due to all the reasons she suggested? Discomfort with these ideas, she says, comes from our culture teaching us that “self-love” is a dirty word: literally as a euphemism for masturbation and figuratively because women are taught to think of everyone else first.

I totally embrace the concept of self-love. What turns me off is her selling a self-love program (see my websites! buy my stuff!) with goofy activities that have silly names (take a love bath!) The tone of the writing also feels bizarrely condescending. Still, I’ll take a page from her book, and thought this would be a good month to date myself.

Today I put on my new boots and skinny jeans and met myself at a new coffee shop I’d never been to. I treated myself to an over-priced latte with almond milk. I’m a big spender! Well, sort of. I’m too health conscious and cheap to take myself out to dinner. So time to head back home and eat.

No-Dating-March

01 Mar 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It might have been eHarmony that put me over the edge, and after only  days of membership.

Under the “communicating with” tab labeled “my turn” was the photo of the only man whose “smile” I bothered to return. He was far away, but politically compatible, active, and importantly, very cute. I hate to think of myself as superficial, but why bother communicating with guys who are totally unattractive to me?

As choreographed by eHarmony, the cute guy sent me a set of multiple choice “quick questions,” which I’d dutifully answered. Then I was directed to send him back questions, which he answered.

This battery of test-like encounters, by the way, come after being subjected to a long series of multiple choice questions used to assess compatibility with matches and then being urged to answer yet more questions on my profile since matches don’t get to see the personality test. The on site profile is a multiple choice, short answer and short essay section of the exam.

And now it was “my turn” again. EHarmony cheerfully informed me it was time to “dig deeper.” I could write my own short essay questions or choose (exactly three) from their list. This whole process had taken quite a few days, and I didn’t feel like I’d gotten to know cute guy a whit better than from the first smile and I’d checked out his profile. I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion.

Truthfully, it wasn’t all eHarmony’s fault, though.

Partly it was just me. The first thing I’d do when I shut my iPhone alarm off in the morning, was check my email. Did I have new messages from any of the sites? Was there a message from an interesting guy? Or were there more illiterate missives from 22-year-olds or 56-year-olds or those carrying “a few extra pounds”? Did any of my new matches look promising? Walking down the hallways at work I’d check email: Anything new? Anything good? And the last thing before bed: checking, hoping.

I had even started seeing someone I’d met in a coffee shop, but I hadn’t heard from him in days and assumed that was over. Though I wasn’t sure. There were all these other men I was communicating with and might meet in person at some point: there was the guy who I liked as a friend but he wanted more, a younger guy who might’ve been perfect except for distance and possibly deal-breaking political leanings, an older guy who might’ve been too old, and I can’t even remember now who else.

It occurred to me that all this dating and thinking about dating, while entertaining, was a big distraction. Wouldn’t it be nice not to obsess over men for a little bit? To just focus on healing after a recent surgery, losing weight I’d gained because of inactivity from surgery, and generally working towards feeling both well and good about myself again?

More on my month plan in the next post.

Knows How to Treat a Lady and Other Stupid Profile Lines

12 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Matches, No thanks, Online Dating Advice, Worst Opening Lines

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I know how to treat a lady

What are men on dating sites thinking when they brag about this particular proficiency? Maybe they mean to say, I am chivalrous; I will open doors and pull out chairs for you. Which is fine, I guess, if you are into that kind of thing. For my part, I find it cute on a first date and tiresome afterward.

Or perhaps they mean to distinguish themselves from the the sit-on-the-couch-and-shout-for-a-beer type It’s one of those distinctions which suggests pretty low standards.

No one boasts he knows how to treat a woman by the way. Gentlemen: have you ever heard a female refer to herself as a “lady”? The word suggests a bygone era and a certain kind of proper behavior: polite, quiet, passive. Good luck finding her.

We women also tend to believe that we are individuals, not a class of people who all wanted to be “treated” the same way. Isn’t there an artificiality in “treating” a person rather than, I don’t know, interacting with her? Like playing a role. Why not, say, be a good listener, instead?

From the Who-Me-Bitter Department

The bar scene is getting pretty old

I totally get you, Mr. No More Bar Scene. You’ve been hanging out at bars, trying to pick up hotties and have finally given up. I am honored.

No drama please

Good thing you said so. I was going to try to create drama, but now I won’t bother you with any uncomfortable emotions.

Tired of games

Oh, you poor wounded man! Your last girlfriend hurt you! I’ll do my darndest to protect your fragile ego.

Here I am again

Your lack of success on the online dating scene is like a pheromone pouring out of my screen.

Unscientific Experiment

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: , , , ,

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Part of an email from a man on Match:

You’re well spoken and very well educated which places you above most. Truthfully, the only part that concerns me a bit is the door hasn’t been completely shut on your marriage. I think any guy worth your attention might give pause because of that. You seem like a supremely cool person though.

The tone of his message was as if I’d contacted him and he was saying thanks, but no thanks. Except that he’d initiated contact. So his opening gambit boils down to I‘m not so sure about you?

On the other hand, he did have a point. I wrote back:

I understand your reservations about the “separated” status. And yes, there is a part of me that worries about the men who don’t find it in the least problematic. (Kind of reminds me of the old Woody Allen line, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member”) But the door is actually firmly closed on my marriage. We went through mediation–it is uncontested–so I am just waiting for the judge to sign off on the agreement. I think it should be finalized in a couple of weeks.

Then I never heard from the guy again.

The mediator emailed me today to say the judge had signed our divorce papers, which I guess makes me officially divorced. I find the whole “divorce party” mentality (complete with cakes) in extremely poor taste, but I can’t help feeling happy and curious. Will I attract a different crowd with my new status? I changed it on Match and JDate but cannot even find the place where I might’ve mentioned it on Cupid. Maybe single and married are the only options?

I get lots of messages on Match and Cupid, but JDate has yielded very few contacts. I was wondering if it was the separated status. Or just my profile in general. Or there aren’t that many people on JDate who live within my search radius.

And now I wait for the results.