What Color Pantyhose? And Other Ways Not to Woo Me

20 Apr 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating, No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , , , , ,

I think this guy is stretching himself some kind of metaphor…or undergarment?

Hi if you made me into your pantyhose what color pair would you make me into please and after you tell me what color I will fully explain what I am getting at and what this entails and it isnt about sex I promise.

It keeps going, but it only gets more incoherent. Confession: For some reason I felt sorry for this guy and felt compelled to give him some advice rather than ignore him. Me:

I have no clue what you’re getting at but you’re young and seem earnest so I thought I’d give you the benefit of a little feedback: try another tactic with the next woman you contact. Tell her what you like about her profile and/or what you think you have in common. Ask her a question about herself based on her profile.

Good luck out there.

Him:

Do you know what pantyhose are ?

Me:

I do. Unless you are talking about something other than the article of clothing. In any case, I was just trying to tell you in a nice way that I found your message off-putting and if you are not having success on this site, messages like that may be why. You can take or leave the advice. I also was trying to let you know that I am not interested. I wish you the best of luck in your search.

Then he deleted his account.

Here’s another losing strategy. Referring to a hobby I describe being passionate about in my profile, another guy writes

lol ur so funny

Oh, yeah? Well I think your football team is funny, too. And your favorite beer. And your car, lol!

 

Knows How to Treat a Lady and Other Stupid Profile Lines

12 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, Deal Breakers, Matches, No thanks, Online Dating Advice, Worst Opening Lines

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I know how to treat a lady

What are men on dating sites thinking when they brag about this particular proficiency? Maybe they mean to say, I am chivalrous; I will open doors and pull out chairs for you. Which is fine, I guess, if you are into that kind of thing. For my part, I find it cute on a first date and tiresome afterward.

Or perhaps they mean to distinguish themselves from the the sit-on-the-couch-and-shout-for-a-beer type It’s one of those distinctions which suggests pretty low standards.

No one boasts he knows how to treat a woman by the way. Gentlemen: have you ever heard a female refer to herself as a “lady”? The word suggests a bygone era and a certain kind of proper behavior: polite, quiet, passive. Good luck finding her.

We women also tend to believe that we are individuals, not a class of people who all wanted to be “treated” the same way. Isn’t there an artificiality in “treating” a person rather than, I don’t know, interacting with her? Like playing a role. Why not, say, be a good listener, instead?

From the Who-Me-Bitter Department

The bar scene is getting pretty old

I totally get you, Mr. No More Bar Scene. You’ve been hanging out at bars, trying to pick up hotties and have finally given up. I am honored.

No drama please

Good thing you said so. I was going to try to create drama, but now I won’t bother you with any uncomfortable emotions.

Tired of games

Oh, you poor wounded man! Your last girlfriend hurt you! I’ll do my darndest to protect your fragile ego.

Here I am again

Your lack of success on the online dating scene is like a pheromone pouring out of my screen.

Share the Thought

20 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , , , ,

From the “uh, no thank you” files, received this message:

“Just say something,anything..speak from your mimd,share tje thought..”

That was the entire message. Not a word of introduction and no obvious reason for this beseeching tone. I mean, “say something, anything” is kind of plaintive on its own, but the “just” in front makes it seem like pleading. As if we’ve been in a relationship and I have been denying him my words and “tje thoughts.” Too desperate to fix typos, even.

And what’s with the punctuation? Not satisfied with a period, unwilling to commit to ellipses?

i don’t have much…

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , ,

This might be explained by the fact that Okcupid is free?

His opening line:

i don’t have much to say in my about me. But I could write a novel about your beauty. p.s. will you marry me?

Some Guy's Abs

Some Guy’s Abs: Actually, these are classier abs than his profile pic

My first online proposal. Yay!

do u like older/younger guys?

01 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , ,

I think if you are leading with this question, you noticed you are out of my age range?

A recent date told me the formula for the youngest you can date is (n/2)+7. That puts 21-year-olds beyond my socially acceptable range, but that doesn’t stop them from contacting me. They show up in my inbox with their mostly blank profiles and cell phone in front of mirror or webcam photos. They say they think older women are hot. I’m guessing they don’t plan to be around when they’re 30 and I’m nearly 50.

A 24-year-old reached out via instant message (“hi there how are you”). His profile highlighted his interest in video games and his two minimum wage jobs. I’m thinking that probably would’ve been cuter when I was in high school.

Older men tell me they are in great shape and very active for their ages. One described himself as “well preserved.” Like a dried fruit?