Strange Bedfellows

18 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, No thanks, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

I don’t know if I’m being too picky, or not picky enough. Here is my current list of deal breakers:

  • Listens to Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News
  • Thinks skiing is too cold (or hiking too buggy or camping too uncomfortable)
  • Considers hanging out next to a pool an exciting vacation
  • His idea of outdoor sports  consists of hunting and snowmobiling
  • Online dating is his hobby
  • Smokes
  • Works minimum wage job
  • High school education
  • Doesn’t read books or only reads Ayn Rand
  • Eats a lot of junk food or mostly meat and potatoes
  • Is overweight, under 5’6″  or otherwise physically unattractive

Sincerely,

Up Late Talking to Unsuitable Men

Dear Up Late,

It’s good to know what you want, but don’t you think you’re being a bit too critical? You couldn’t fall for a guy who likes to snowmobile? And, if you have so many deal breakers, why are you still going on so many dates with unsuitable men? Perhaps you should whittle this down to five deal breakers and stick to them.

Best of Luck,

OkMatch

Body Style

04 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , , , ,

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If this is what you think “fit”, “toned” or “athletic” (depending on the dating site’s terminology), looks like, you might need to readjust your expectations for online dating. Based on photos and meetings in person, here is my guide to interpreting the most common choices for “body type” or “body style”:

fit, toned, or athletic: I’ve got muscles…somewhere under here! I mean, I used to be in shape, but face it, ladies, I’m way better than average so I can’t put that. Yeah, I’m fit…maybe with a little beer gut.

about average: So, I’ve put on some pounds, but no more than the ordinary American male, right? And when I wear my shirt untucked I’m looking pretty hot, anyway.

a few extra pounds, a little extra: The doctor says I have to lose weight or I’ll probably die early. But you only live once!

What’s weird to me is that a guy will write choose “fit” and then post photos of his not-so-fit bare torso. Do some guys have body dysmorphic disorder in reverse? They look at their flabby bodies and think, “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy, it hurts…” Sing it, Right Said Fred!

Some Dating Site Photo Deal Breakers

01 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, No thanks Tags: , ,

  • Cigarette dangling from mouth
  • Posing with cheap beer
  • Sliver of woman cut out of photograph revealing that original shot was happy time with significant other
  • Wearing a reflector vest for no apparent reason
  • Ill-fitting taupe suit
  • Only part of face visible and camera angle highlights nostrils
  • Embracing dog in a way that is strangely suggestive and doesn’t look entirely consensual. This is more common than you’d think.

Image

:p

29 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Disturbing Text Messages, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , , ,

Update on Date Sucked:

So, I didn’t respond to his 🙂.

His previous message said “Have a great Christmas.” Sure, that’s more polite than “Have a nice life” but with Christmas a month away, it’s definitely a blow off line. As in, don’t expect to hear from me before Christmas…or ever.

In that context, what exactly does the smile mean?

“Just kidding about never wanting to see you again. I’m having another mood swing and have decided I can’t live without you.”

Or maybe:

“Let’s be friends. I don’t have anything to say so I’ll just grin at you.”

I realize, if I continue a conversation with mood swing sober guy, I’m definitely the crazy one. I ignore the smile text.

The next day, he texts :p

Some possible translations:

“In elementary school, when I liked a girl, I stuck my tongue out at her. It totally worked!”

“Wanna have sex?”

“Words fail me. I am awed by your beauty and grace, your cool responses to my manic highs and inexplicable lows. When I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, that was just fear talking. Now I’m ready to be brave and pursue a meaningful relationship. Are you willing to give me a third chance?”

“You…complete…me.”

Date sucked

27 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Disturbing Text Messages, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , ,

The first thing he told me was that he was six years sober but he wanted to buy me a drink. What exactly was I thinking? I don’t know. He was cute and earnest and I was bored. At the end of the night there was some very nice kissing, and some annoyingly persistent attempts to get me to take him home “just to cuddle” and to spend the next day together.

The next day, we exchange the following texts:

There’s a pause between my two messages when I considered how obnoxious the first might have sounded, especially considering I had a date myself the next day. There’s no pause before my next text:

There’s a space of an hour or two between his apology and his “date sucked” message. I didn’t respond. Another half hour or so later, he wants to come over. Later:

At this point I’m already thinking I oughtn’t see this guy again. He’s between fawning all over me and cold. But we flirt some more that night. He can’t stand to be without me, blah blah blah. The next morning:


Oh, but it’s not over yet. The next day (today) I get another message from him–just a smile. I contemplate sending back just a question mark or even asking if he means that as just friends or what. Or just responding so I can finally be the one to dump him. But then I decide not to mess with crazy.

 

Share the Thought

20 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , , , ,

From the “uh, no thank you” files, received this message:

“Just say something,anything..speak from your mimd,share tje thought..”

That was the entire message. Not a word of introduction and no obvious reason for this beseeching tone. I mean, “say something, anything” is kind of plaintive on its own, but the “just” in front makes it seem like pleading. As if we’ve been in a relationship and I have been denying him my words and “tje thoughts.” Too desperate to fix typos, even.

And what’s with the punctuation? Not satisfied with a period, unwilling to commit to ellipses?

Unscientific Experiment

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: , , , ,

Image

Part of an email from a man on Match:

You’re well spoken and very well educated which places you above most. Truthfully, the only part that concerns me a bit is the door hasn’t been completely shut on your marriage. I think any guy worth your attention might give pause because of that. You seem like a supremely cool person though.

The tone of his message was as if I’d contacted him and he was saying thanks, but no thanks. Except that he’d initiated contact. So his opening gambit boils down to I‘m not so sure about you?

On the other hand, he did have a point. I wrote back:

I understand your reservations about the “separated” status. And yes, there is a part of me that worries about the men who don’t find it in the least problematic. (Kind of reminds me of the old Woody Allen line, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member”) But the door is actually firmly closed on my marriage. We went through mediation–it is uncontested–so I am just waiting for the judge to sign off on the agreement. I think it should be finalized in a couple of weeks.

Then I never heard from the guy again.

The mediator emailed me today to say the judge had signed our divorce papers, which I guess makes me officially divorced. I find the whole “divorce party” mentality (complete with cakes) in extremely poor taste, but I can’t help feeling happy and curious. Will I attract a different crowd with my new status? I changed it on Match and JDate but cannot even find the place where I might’ve mentioned it on Cupid. Maybe single and married are the only options?

I get lots of messages on Match and Cupid, but JDate has yielded very few contacts. I was wondering if it was the separated status. Or just my profile in general. Or there aren’t that many people on JDate who live within my search radius.

And now I wait for the results.

i don’t have much…

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , ,

This might be explained by the fact that Okcupid is free?

His opening line:

i don’t have much to say in my about me. But I could write a novel about your beauty. p.s. will you marry me?

Some Guy's Abs

Some Guy’s Abs: Actually, these are classier abs than his profile pic

My first online proposal. Yay!

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

08 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Disturbing Text Messages Tags: ,

I didn’t feel any better when he explained that it wasn’t him; his roommate had taken his phone and texted this to me while he was in the shower.

do u like older/younger guys?

01 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , ,

I think if you are leading with this question, you noticed you are out of my age range?

A recent date told me the formula for the youngest you can date is (n/2)+7. That puts 21-year-olds beyond my socially acceptable range, but that doesn’t stop them from contacting me. They show up in my inbox with their mostly blank profiles and cell phone in front of mirror or webcam photos. They say they think older women are hot. I’m guessing they don’t plan to be around when they’re 30 and I’m nearly 50.

A 24-year-old reached out via instant message (“hi there how are you”). His profile highlighted his interest in video games and his two minimum wage jobs. I’m thinking that probably would’ve been cuter when I was in high school.

Older men tell me they are in great shape and very active for their ages. One described himself as “well preserved.” Like a dried fruit?

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