What Color Pantyhose? And Other Ways Not to Woo Me

20 Apr 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating, No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , , , , ,

I think this guy is stretching himself some kind of metaphor…or undergarment?

Hi if you made me into your pantyhose what color pair would you make me into please and after you tell me what color I will fully explain what I am getting at and what this entails and it isnt about sex I promise.

It keeps going, but it only gets more incoherent. Confession: For some reason I felt sorry for this guy and felt compelled to give him some advice rather than ignore him. Me:

I have no clue what you’re getting at but you’re young and seem earnest so I thought I’d give you the benefit of a little feedback: try another tactic with the next woman you contact. Tell her what you like about her profile and/or what you think you have in common. Ask her a question about herself based on her profile.

Good luck out there.

Him:

Do you know what pantyhose are ?

Me:

I do. Unless you are talking about something other than the article of clothing. In any case, I was just trying to tell you in a nice way that I found your message off-putting and if you are not having success on this site, messages like that may be why. You can take or leave the advice. I also was trying to let you know that I am not interested. I wish you the best of luck in your search.

Then he deleted his account.

Here’s another losing strategy. Referring to a hobby I describe being passionate about in my profile, another guy writes

lol ur so funny

Oh, yeah? Well I think your football team is funny, too. And your favorite beer. And your car, lol!

 

No-Dating-March

01 Mar 2013 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It might have been eHarmony that put me over the edge, and after only  days of membership.

Under the “communicating with” tab labeled “my turn” was the photo of the only man whose “smile” I bothered to return. He was far away, but politically compatible, active, and importantly, very cute. I hate to think of myself as superficial, but why bother communicating with guys who are totally unattractive to me?

As choreographed by eHarmony, the cute guy sent me a set of multiple choice “quick questions,” which I’d dutifully answered. Then I was directed to send him back questions, which he answered.

This battery of test-like encounters, by the way, come after being subjected to a long series of multiple choice questions used to assess compatibility with matches and then being urged to answer yet more questions on my profile since matches don’t get to see the personality test. The on site profile is a multiple choice, short answer and short essay section of the exam.

And now it was “my turn” again. EHarmony cheerfully informed me it was time to “dig deeper.” I could write my own short essay questions or choose (exactly three) from their list. This whole process had taken quite a few days, and I didn’t feel like I’d gotten to know cute guy a whit better than from the first smile and I’d checked out his profile. I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion.

Truthfully, it wasn’t all eHarmony’s fault, though.

Partly it was just me. The first thing I’d do when I shut my iPhone alarm off in the morning, was check my email. Did I have new messages from any of the sites? Was there a message from an interesting guy? Or were there more illiterate missives from 22-year-olds or 56-year-olds or those carrying “a few extra pounds”? Did any of my new matches look promising? Walking down the hallways at work I’d check email: Anything new? Anything good? And the last thing before bed: checking, hoping.

I had even started seeing someone I’d met in a coffee shop, but I hadn’t heard from him in days and assumed that was over. Though I wasn’t sure. There were all these other men I was communicating with and might meet in person at some point: there was the guy who I liked as a friend but he wanted more, a younger guy who might’ve been perfect except for distance and possibly deal-breaking political leanings, an older guy who might’ve been too old, and I can’t even remember now who else.

It occurred to me that all this dating and thinking about dating, while entertaining, was a big distraction. Wouldn’t it be nice not to obsess over men for a little bit? To just focus on healing after a recent surgery, losing weight I’d gained because of inactivity from surgery, and generally working towards feeling both well and good about myself again?

More on my month plan in the next post.

Ulterior Motives

05 Jan 2013 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , , , ,

The first time he mentioned the program I said, mostly joking, “That sounds like a cult.” I think it was the name of the method or the idea that a five day course could have cured him of his work stress that made me suspicious. Or it could have been his oddly calm demeanor and long-lashed blue eyes.

He laughed and said that if I looked it up online a lot of people call it a cult, but it’s not.

For the most part, it was a pretty normal conversation for a first date, though slightly boring and no chemistry, despite his good looks and the fact that on paper he seemed like a good match. I wondered if I should give him longer to become interesting. Then he mentioned his libertarian leanings. Oh, well, I thought. Not a match, after all.

Not having anywhere else to be tonight, I made the argument that it is both compassionate and fiscally responsible to take care of the members of society who cannot take care of themselves. His response: He hasn’t thought about it enough to come up with any solutions. This from a guy with a graduate degree in Engineering? He also feels like people should be pushed to reach their highest potential and if we give them handouts, they won’t even realize what they could succeed in doing. At the time, I thought this was just the typical Libertarian dogma.

The program he found so helpful came up at least two more times in our hour-long date. Then he had to leave early to take a phone call–from a member of the program. As we stood to leave, he invited me to an introductory program in two weeks.

Of course I looked up the group online when I got home. The first Google result was an article in a regional paper comparing the charismatic leader of the group to David Koresh. The lengthy piece detailed various lawsuits against the businessman who attracts a large following, some of whom were pressured to satisfy his sexual needs and feared leaving the cult. Yes, all the bad cult stuff you read about it. That’s the program this guy tried to get me to join.

So that was my Friday night: date with a guy who tried to recruit me into a cult. Makes me nostalgic for dates who just want to get into my pants.

Hell Bent

19 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Dating Etiquette, No thanks Tags: , , , , , , , ,

409861_8476

i guess your hell bent on finding a relationship and are too scared to be ith someone who thinks your beautiful but might not want to have a relationship with you

This was from a guy whom I already told I didn’t think we were a good match. It kind of speaks for itself, I know, but I can’t resist taking this one apart.

I’ll set aside the fact that I just can’t date anyone who doesn’t know how to use an apostrophe as a given and move on.

“Hell bent”…swoon! He sure knows how to sweep a lady right off her feet!

Perhaps somebody in his life told him that if you want to turn that rejection around, try going on the offensive. If she turns you down, call her out for being “stubbornly and recklessly determined” (hell bent, according to Miriam Webster).  Trying to follow his logic here…I am foolishly desiring a relationship…that makes the choice to be with someone who doesn’t want a relationship, prudent?

Not to sound too vain, but he seems to be suggesting that “someone who thinks your beautiful” makes him uniquely qualified to go out with me. If I were going to respond to his message, maybe I would point out that a) the fact that he is only interested based on liking my photo is not really that flattering and b) pretty much every man who contacts me on a dating site is at least somewhat attracted by my photo. I don’t get a whole lot of come-ons that begin, “I think you’re kind of homely but I thought I’d try to have sex with you anyway.”

Strange Bedfellows

18 Dec 2012 1 Comment

by okmatch in Deal Breakers, Dear OkMatch, No thanks, Online Dating Advice Tags: , , , , ,

Dear OkMatch,

I don’t know if I’m being too picky, or not picky enough. Here is my current list of deal breakers:

  • Listens to Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News
  • Thinks skiing is too cold (or hiking too buggy or camping too uncomfortable)
  • Considers hanging out next to a pool an exciting vacation
  • His idea of outdoor sports  consists of hunting and snowmobiling
  • Online dating is his hobby
  • Smokes
  • Works minimum wage job
  • High school education
  • Doesn’t read books or only reads Ayn Rand
  • Eats a lot of junk food or mostly meat and potatoes
  • Is overweight, under 5’6″  or otherwise physically unattractive

Sincerely,

Up Late Talking to Unsuitable Men

Dear Up Late,

It’s good to know what you want, but don’t you think you’re being a bit too critical? You couldn’t fall for a guy who likes to snowmobile? And, if you have so many deal breakers, why are you still going on so many dates with unsuitable men? Perhaps you should whittle this down to five deal breakers and stick to them.

Best of Luck,

OkMatch

:p

29 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Disturbing Text Messages, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , , ,

Update on Date Sucked:

So, I didn’t respond to his 🙂.

His previous message said “Have a great Christmas.” Sure, that’s more polite than “Have a nice life” but with Christmas a month away, it’s definitely a blow off line. As in, don’t expect to hear from me before Christmas…or ever.

In that context, what exactly does the smile mean?

“Just kidding about never wanting to see you again. I’m having another mood swing and have decided I can’t live without you.”

Or maybe:

“Let’s be friends. I don’t have anything to say so I’ll just grin at you.”

I realize, if I continue a conversation with mood swing sober guy, I’m definitely the crazy one. I ignore the smile text.

The next day, he texts :p

Some possible translations:

“In elementary school, when I liked a girl, I stuck my tongue out at her. It totally worked!”

“Wanna have sex?”

“Words fail me. I am awed by your beauty and grace, your cool responses to my manic highs and inexplicable lows. When I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, that was just fear talking. Now I’m ready to be brave and pursue a meaningful relationship. Are you willing to give me a third chance?”

“You…complete…me.”

Date sucked

27 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Disturbing Text Messages, No thanks, You know your date is crazy when... Tags: , , , ,

The first thing he told me was that he was six years sober but he wanted to buy me a drink. What exactly was I thinking? I don’t know. He was cute and earnest and I was bored. At the end of the night there was some very nice kissing, and some annoyingly persistent attempts to get me to take him home “just to cuddle” and to spend the next day together.

The next day, we exchange the following texts:

There’s a pause between my two messages when I considered how obnoxious the first might have sounded, especially considering I had a date myself the next day. There’s no pause before my next text:

There’s a space of an hour or two between his apology and his “date sucked” message. I didn’t respond. Another half hour or so later, he wants to come over. Later:

At this point I’m already thinking I oughtn’t see this guy again. He’s between fawning all over me and cold. But we flirt some more that night. He can’t stand to be without me, blah blah blah. The next morning:


Oh, but it’s not over yet. The next day (today) I get another message from him–just a smile. I contemplate sending back just a question mark or even asking if he means that as just friends or what. Or just responding so I can finally be the one to dump him. But then I decide not to mess with crazy.

 

Share the Thought

20 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in No thanks, Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , , , ,

From the “uh, no thank you” files, received this message:

“Just say something,anything..speak from your mimd,share tje thought..”

That was the entire message. Not a word of introduction and no obvious reason for this beseeching tone. I mean, “say something, anything” is kind of plaintive on its own, but the “just” in front makes it seem like pleading. As if we’ve been in a relationship and I have been denying him my words and “tje thoughts.” Too desperate to fix typos, even.

And what’s with the punctuation? Not satisfied with a period, unwilling to commit to ellipses?

Unscientific Experiment

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Matches, No thanks Tags: , , , ,

Image

Part of an email from a man on Match:

You’re well spoken and very well educated which places you above most. Truthfully, the only part that concerns me a bit is the door hasn’t been completely shut on your marriage. I think any guy worth your attention might give pause because of that. You seem like a supremely cool person though.

The tone of his message was as if I’d contacted him and he was saying thanks, but no thanks. Except that he’d initiated contact. So his opening gambit boils down to I‘m not so sure about you?

On the other hand, he did have a point. I wrote back:

I understand your reservations about the “separated” status. And yes, there is a part of me that worries about the men who don’t find it in the least problematic. (Kind of reminds me of the old Woody Allen line, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member”) But the door is actually firmly closed on my marriage. We went through mediation–it is uncontested–so I am just waiting for the judge to sign off on the agreement. I think it should be finalized in a couple of weeks.

Then I never heard from the guy again.

The mediator emailed me today to say the judge had signed our divorce papers, which I guess makes me officially divorced. I find the whole “divorce party” mentality (complete with cakes) in extremely poor taste, but I can’t help feeling happy and curious. Will I attract a different crowd with my new status? I changed it on Match and JDate but cannot even find the place where I might’ve mentioned it on Cupid. Maybe single and married are the only options?

I get lots of messages on Match and Cupid, but JDate has yielded very few contacts. I was wondering if it was the separated status. Or just my profile in general. Or there aren’t that many people on JDate who live within my search radius.

And now I wait for the results.

i don’t have much…

12 Nov 2012 Leave a comment

by okmatch in Worst Opening Lines Tags: , , , ,

This might be explained by the fact that Okcupid is free?

His opening line:

i don’t have much to say in my about me. But I could write a novel about your beauty. p.s. will you marry me?

Some Guy's Abs

Some Guy’s Abs: Actually, these are classier abs than his profile pic

My first online proposal. Yay!

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